...this makes my brain hurt...

So apparently, there's going to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Okay, looks interesting but the Turtles will be aliens.

Now, the fans have been told to "chill the fuck out", but I'm still scratching my head. Aliens? Really? I'm trying to wrap my brain around it all, but I'm failing miserably over here.

What Is This I Don't Even

Try wrapping your head around this one: The Secret World of Arrietty, a Studio Ghibli film about four-inch people who “borrow” what they need from normal-sized humans, encourages class envy and redistribution of wealth, according to Lou Dobbs.

The real kicker to all this? A direct quote from Dobbs: "The president's liberal friends in Hollywood targeting a younger demographic using animated movies to sell their agenda to children."

Um, excuse me, good sir? Hollywood has nothing to do with this! Let me spell this out for you--Arrietty is based on The Borrowers, which was a book published in 1952. Second of all, this was made by Studio Ghibli, which is based in Japan. Yes, Disney dubbed it and released it here in the US, but the film is Japanese in origin. So yeah, stop howling about Obama and the Hollywood liberals, please.

You know, I'm rather tempted to go and see Arrietty again, just to irritate people like this. Because I'm just that type.

--Weasel, "And people wonder why I'm so cynical. Well, here's just one example..."

COMMUNICATIONS INTERRUPT: STUPIDITY IN LEGAL MOTION

I can't often say that I've seen legal documents that have made me want to take a baseball bat to somebody's head--mostly because I haven't often read legal documents, period.

First time for everything, I guess.

This, so far as anyone has been able to determine, and triple-digit-count errors notwithstanding, is not a joke, at least not in the 'never gonna happen' sense. It's either one of the more epic (and by epic, of course I mean retarded) trolls ever to come out of (and piss off) Transfandom, or there really is some empty-skulled narcissistic dumbfuck out there who thinks this motion stands a chance of being heard in court, let alone played out at length to a conclusion in favor of the plaintiff. Honestly, having had experience in other fandoms, I don't think the sort of toy collector butthurt that this pathetic wreck displays is seen anywhere but with Transformers fans.

The real kicker? This flyspeck might well find a judge who doesn't see the differences between these three toys and these other three toys as grounds for dismissal with prejudice and mocking laughter. It might then become...not quite the biggest waste of time ever recorded in the annals of the United States justice system, but damned if it wouldn't have a cozy spot in a list of the top ten.--

EDIT: March 32nd moronic antics are NOT supposed to begin in mid-to-late-March. Sweet effing Primus, I hate this day. Like there isn't enough incidental stupidity to go around, a day must be set aside for DELIBERATE stupidity.--

+++PRIME OUT+++I NEED A BEER+++

And Today in "What the Flying Fuck?!"

You know DA, I have to admit I'm seriously glad you're not going to SDCC this year.This is why.

Fred Phelps is going to Comic-Con. Can I get a "What the fuck?" here?!

His reasoning? Oh, it's stellar, trust me:

Are you kidding?! If these people would spend even some of the energy that they spend on these comic books, reading the Bible, well no high hopes here. They have turned comic book characters into idols, and worship them they do! Isaiah 2:8 Their land also is full of idols; they worship the work of their own hands, that which their own fingers have made: 9 And the mean man boweth down, and the great man humbleth himself: therefore forgive them not. It is time to put away the silly vanities and turn to God like you mean it. The destruction of this nation is imminent - so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.

You know something, Freddie boy? I haven't called out to your god in a very long time. The last time I did, I was in my twenties and your god did absolutely nothing to help me. He simply sat on his heavenly posterior and watched me squirm. So I quit calling to him, since it's obvious he won't fucking answer.

Instead, I have called out to HIM. HE has answered. HE has granted mercy. So tell me, Freddie boy: which god is truly real? The one from your holy tome or the one from the damned comic book? Because I will tell you, the one from the comic has been much more helpful than the one from your tome. Make of that as you will.

--Weasel, hell bound idol worshipper and damned proud.

Are You Fucking Shitting Me?!

Really, Shakesville? This is what gets your fucking knickers in a twist? You're serious about this?

Grip: Get one. Seriously. And the "concern trolls" are absolutely right. But you won't read any of their words on the blog page; you have to hit DISQUS to read everything. Gotta love censorship.

janestclair84 · 1 day ago
Oh, for Chrissake.

The man was making a hokey joke about his pre-teen daughters squeeing over a band of pop stars, coincidentally a band that creates an uncomfortable dichotomy between their squeaky clean promise ring image and the none-too-subtle sexualization of their act and persona (foam cannons, really?) If anything, it's you are insisting on essentializing them as pawns of sexual politics, rather than the human father and daughters they in fact are.

I read here occasionally for a "wow, I never thought of that" sense of awareness about race and gender in society, but really- not everything is a battlefront on which your oh so enlightened worldview is assaulted. Get off the high horse, and get a grip on your ego and sense of self-righteousness.

Lot of truth in that statement. So much so that Liss couldn't handle it.

That's it. I'm done. I'm turning in my feminist card. I refuse to get tied up with that sort of bullshit anymore. I've got better ways to waste my time.

--Weasel, "I'm leaning more towards being a humanist anyways..."

It Will Smell Like Axle Grease and Awesome

Yes, you are reading that right: Transformers Cologne by Hasbro. (Link was originally found here.)

I need this. Badly. I don't care if it's for guys. I wanna smell like Bumblebee!

--Weasel, "I'll bet Bumblebee smells totally yummy..."

I'm Doomed! OMG!!111eleventymillion11!!

At least according to this article.

For those of you who don't want to click over to the fail, here's a rundown of some of the "gems" on the list:
Don't be smarter than your mate.
Don't have an "immature" hobby. (Action figures? Comic books? Video games? Oh no!)
Don't take a dump in front of each other. (Gotta maintain the "mystery", whatever the hell that means.)
Don't take separate vacays.
Don't have kids.
Don't have a big bed. (You totally need a cramped little twin sized bed so you can like cuddle and make out and stuff!)
Don't have a TV in the bedroom.
Don't change your appearance. At all. Ever.

Prime and I collect Transformers. Our hobby is the reason why we met. We had a big TV in our bedroom at one point... and used it to play video games. I dyed my hair red a few years ago. We sleep in a huge-ass king sized bed. And we just got married this year, after being together for damn near a decade. Yeah, we're seriously doomed. /sarcasm

--Weasel, "This just in, CNN fails. Film at whenthefuckever."

Dear Mattel,

You're the same toy company that has a huge problem with making any female action figures, yet you produce this?

Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken. Are you serious?!


I guess so. Wow.

But seriously, what the fuck? This looks like a freaking parody, not a legitimate collectible.

Maybe you guys should quit while you're ahead. Or take a cold shower. Or both. Me, I'm just gonna go slam my head against my brick fireplace until I pass out. Then maybe I'll think that this was just a bad dream.

Sincerely,

--Weasel

Love Thy Neighbor... Or Not

On Monday, I had a CBL. It was the annual chemical clean-up crap; this one takes an hour, easily. You have got to take notes or you won't pass the damned thing. Just trust me on that.

So I was stuck in the Personnel office for all that time, getting a cramp in my hand while trying to pass this idiotic thing on the first attempt. While I was jotting down notes, Dianna (one of the Personnel associates) came into the room. She wanted to know where in the heck head cashier Chris was transferring to. She was promptly told by someone else (I'm not sure who; I couldn't see a face) that Chris was going to Alabama.

What does Dianna say? "Well, they can have the little addict."

I kept my eyes on the computer screen. But I was pissed, very pissed when I heard that shit come out of Dianna's mouth.

First of all, Chris hasn't used in a very long time. We're talking time that can be measured in years. Secondly, he was the best damned head we had. The front end is already suffering because he's gone.

"Well, they can have the little addict."

Did I mention that Dianna just loves to read Guideposts? And I've seen her reading those smarmy Christian "romance" novels?

"Well, they can have the little addict."

What was that about "Judge not, lest ye be judged"? Unbe-fucking-lievable.

--Weasel, "I'd assume Jesus wouldn't take too kindly to people like that. But what the hell do I know?"

It Would Be Funny If It Weren't So Damn Stupid

Today I'm covering a lunch break on grocery self check when head cashier John comes over to have a chat with me. When he starts, he admits that what he's about to tell me is one of the dumbest things he's ever had to say, so I know in advance that this is going to be bad. Really bad.

We have a brand spankin' new rule, just handed down from management. All cashiers, while on the clock and working, have to look "pleasant" and smile. Constantly. Doesn't matter if your day sucks ass, if you've just been screamed out by a customer, if your life is a living hell and falling apart around your ears, you have to smile and be all insipidly happy-looking so the customers don't think you're "grumpy".

Oh, and if you're not smiling you could get coached.
Yep, you could get written up if you're not pleasant enough. Good luck trying to enforce that rule.

This is part of the "Fast-er, Friendli-er" bullshit that's just been rolled out. I knew this shit was a bad idea from the start but seriously, this is out of control.

The word is already spreading. Most cashiers think it's a joke; the heads and management hardly ever smile or act pleasant at all. Same with the other floor associates. One cashier said flat out that the customers would probably find all this more creepy than anything else. I have a tendency to agree. But hey, what do I know?

I tried my damnedest to act as happy as possible today. But it was a half-hearted attempt. You can't fake being happy; it looks really forced when you try.

When I was done for the day, I was drained, frustrated and utterly tired of the stupid. So I wandered down the toy aisle, trying to clear my mind and relax a little. The toy department is one of my favorite areas of the store. And the sight of Transformers always lifts my spirits. It doesn't matter if I already have them in my collection; seeing one hanging on the pegs at work is a bit like seeing an old friend. (I'm weird, I know.)

I'm glad I did. What should be waiting for me but a Transformers RPM Battle Pack--Bumblebee versus Barricade.

Another Bumblebee. Popping up after I've had a really bad day. The guardian angel appears again.

I could really get used to this, you know. It makes the stupid a lot more bearable.

--Weasel, "Between him and BotCon, I honestly think I can make it through the workplace idiocy."

As the Toilet Clogs

Guess who signed with the Minnesota Vikings?

Yep, you guessed it.
I can't believe that people actually thought Brett would stay retired.

To the Vikings fans, you have my sympathies. The guy's almost 40 and had surgery. And he's a diva to boot. (A former coworker at Target will vouch for that last one.) But I can barely wait to get back to work on Thursday, for there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And I will love every moment of it. Others will not (and do not), but man oh man...

I had to hear all the "Ted Thompson is evil" bullshit all last season. This is like a gift from the baby Primus. I am going to milk this for all it is worth.

--Weasel, "I'm evil like that."

No Words. Seriously.

Found this little gem via Shakesville and I have to be honest, I can't do it justice. You really need to read this train wreck for yourself.

But this is what pisses me off the fucking most:

3) The fact that her parents talk about "having to do this now," as if a delusional nine-year-old cannot be told no;
(Emphasis mine)

Excuse me? But did you just call a dying girl delusional? A dying child? Delusional?! Where the fuck do you get off?! Trust me asshat, if this were your kid you'd give her whatever the flying fuck she would want. You sure as shit wouldn't call her dying wishes delusional. Yes, she wanted a fricking wedding, but so fucking what? Jesus Christ, I can't believe the amount of arrogance and idiocy I've just read.
Or to put it a better way:

Awesome, we're now concern trolling the dying wishes of a 9 year old.

Yeah, awesome job. Way to look like a total douche.

If this is "true Feminism" then fuck it. I officially jump ship.

Merry Christmas

And a happy go to hell.

We're clearing out all of our Cashmas crap, so people are snapping the slag up like there's no tomorrow. And I've been dealing with the usual after season sale bullshit-- wrong prices, missing UPCs, cranky idiots, you name it. But nothing could top the bullshit I dealt with today.

The woman wanted to buy two pre-lit Cashmas trees; one was already in her cart while the other was still in Lawn and Garden. She wanted someone to bring it up. "It's a white tree," she insisted. So I called back to Lawn and Garden, asking them to find a white tree.

They couldn't find it. There were no white trees back there.

When we told her, she replied, "Oh the tree is green, but the lights are white."

It was all I could do not to go House on her. Seriously.
We've had fake Cashmas trees in more colors I could count: Red, blue, black, purple, pink, green and yes, even white. And we're not talking light bulbs, we're talking foliage.

See the problem here?

I would scream, but I'm not too keen on pissing off my throat.

--Weasel, "Is it May yet?"

Like It Can't Get Any Damn Stupider....

I didn't think much of what I saw; one of the heads was wiping down our dry erase board at the podium just as I arrived. It wasn't until later that things got serious. It seems the note on the board read that all cashiers were required to smile. If we didn't we could get coached. Or worse.

We could get fired. For not smiling on the job.

It was either someone's idea of a joke or they were deadly serious about it. And I'm thinking it wasn't a joke.

The news spread like wildfire. No one was happy. Which is probably why the damn thing was erased.

This whole thing leads me to ask: Could management get fired for being stupid as fuck? Cause they seriously need it.

--Weasel, "And I was hoping to use my 'psycho' smile..."

Boot to the Head

Got saddled on lane 15, which is never a pleasant thing for me. But things took a turn for the worse when I saw the customer who was walking towards me. I knew her instantly; she was the customer who screwed us out of twenty dollars. Only instead of a shopping cart, she had a dog with her. Then, she asked The Question.

"Do you have some paper towels and a plastic bag I could use?"

Her dog had shit on the floor. And other customers knew about it. And complained. Loudly.
So management kicked her and her untrained dog out of the store.

I had a smile on my face for the entire day. I just hope to Primus the stupid twit gets the message and doesn't come back.

--Weasel, "That would be the bestest Cashmas gift ever!"

Tarzan Boy

It was noon. I was standing at the grocery self-check podium, carefully watching "my guys". From out of nowhere came the rhythmic thumping of sneakers on concrete. Two boys, maybe high school juniors, were running straight toward me. Curious, I watched as they sped from the general merchandise side of the store towards the grocery side. Then I noticed two other boys, running in front of the registers. It was then that I couldn't help but do a double take.

Three of the boys were dressed normally. The fourth was only wearing his briefs and had what appeared to be an animal skin tied around his head like a cape. He looked as though he were trying to mimic Tarzan or George of the Jungle.

The entire front end fell silent and watched the spectacle, too stunned to turn away. I admit my mouth was hanging open in shock for a fair portion of the episode.

Without saying a word, the boys raced out the door. Once they had departed, everyone roared with laughter, myself included.

We're still not sure why Tarzan Boy decided to drop by our store. If he was planning a Halloween prank, he missed the mark by a day. The entire incident (almost) makes me miss the days when I was that young and stupid.

--Weasel, "Never a dull moment where I work."

:Grumble:

I hate my job. I know, I know. What the hell else is new? But we've sunk to even lower depths of bullshit than ever before.

It all started a few days ago. One of the other cashiers, Jenni, cam back from break. She was crying. It seems that she had run to the restroom before heading back to her register and one of the co-managers, Tom, wasn't too keen on this. He tore her a new one over it. Here's the problem: None, and I do mean none, of the head cashiers had a problem with her doing this. It was Tom who threw a massive shit fit over it. As she put it: "If it was such a problem, why wasn't I told a long time ago?"

But it gets better. We're no longer allowed to talk to any of our co-workers. Well, certain cashiers, it seems. If you kiss the right ass, you can talk for hours and not get into trouble. If you don't, you'll get yelled at. It's favoritism, plain and simple and it's pissing me and a shitload of other people off severely. I'm to the point where I'm ready to turn in some of the heads and their friends for chit-chatting excessively. And to hell with getting in trouble. I just don't care anymore.

I need a laptop. Like now. Then I could cobble a manuscript together, sell the fucker and get the hell outta Dodge. If I don't, I'll probably be dead of a stroke with 3 years.

--Weasel, "I just love my job. Really I do."

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Ned Yost has been fired.
So this is what it feels like to be kicked in the gut. It's not a great feeling, I tell you.

--Weasel, now wondering if October will actually happen for the Brew Crew

There Is No God

This proves it.

--Weasel, "Why, Leslie? WHY?!"

Perspective, People

More parents would rather have their kids watch porn or drink than play Grand Theft Auto.

I got nothing. Really. I don't think I can add anything else to this; it's just too damn mind numbingly stupid.

--Weasel, "Cause we all know that playing a video game is far, far worse!"