You Might Be a Former Jehovah's Witness If...

The inspiration for this post comes from a very similar list that I found online. Since it looked very cathartic, I decided to write on of my own.

You Might Be a Former Jehovah's Witness If...

* you've ever felt guilty giving to a charity.
* you had to throw out your wind-chimes. (Too Pagan!)
* you felt guilty voting in a high school election.
* you have to fight the urge to tell your church-going friends that Jesus was not crucified on a cross, but on an upright stake.
* you can easily remember your first birthday party, Easter egg hunt and Christmas.... because you were 24 years old when they took place.
* you refused to put on any makeup at all for fear you'd look like that awful picture of Jezebel in your copy of My Book of Bible Stories.
* you had to give up on your dream of becoming a police officer.
* you would rather have had terminal cancer than be gay.
* you would rather be dead than disfellowshipped.
* you had to stop speaking to your best friend for a year because they had been disfellowshipped.
* you felt guilty for taking Drama in high school.
* you were told by your mother that some of the Saturday morning cartoons you were watching could be considered Satanic. (Yeah, I'm really gonna sell my soul to Satan because I watched The Real Ghostbusters!)
* you knew 1914 was a turning point in history, but you didn't know why.
* you knew 1914 was a turning point in history and got irritated when your school history book never mentioned it.
* you remember the first Mother's Day or Father's Day card you made for your parents.... because you were a freshman in college when you made it.
* you were ever dragged to the back of the Kingdom Hall and spanked because you misbehaved during services.
* you were spanked with a plastic paint stirrer for misbehaving during services.
* you were six months old when you were dragged to the back of the Kingdom Hall to be spanked with the plastic paint stirrer for misbehaving during services.
* you were the only person in your second grade class who would not recite the Pledge of Allegiance... and you had to repeatedly explain why.
* your house was the only one on your block not decorated for Christmas.
* you were the only kid on your block who never got Christmas presents, or had to send them back when you did.
* you spent many a fine summer day stuck in a stuffy car as your parents drove through town "witnessing".
* you felt jealous of the Elders' kids who got to go to Disney World, but your parents refused because such a thing would be "too worldly".
* you never went to a school dance.... and it wasn't because you couldn't find a date.
* you got damn sick of calling non-relatives "brother" or "sister".
* you felt guilty when you got accepted to a local college.
* you still think getting a blood transfusion is disgusting.
* you are mortally afraid of surgery because you don't want to bleed out on the operating table, but you're equally afraid of receiving someone else's blood to prevent that from happening.
* you wondered how Satan was controlling anyone through heavy metal music.
* to this day you still carry the guilt of playing Dungeons and Dragons with your friends.
* you felt positively spoiled when you went to your friends church. (Such pretty stained glass! Such comfy pews!)
* while at your friend's church, you saw that everyone could receive the "Lord's Supper".
* you still feel guilty for that one time trip to your friend's church.
* you couldn't see any of your old friends because they weren't Witnesses.
* the word "goat" has nothing to do with an animal.
* you know the meanings of the terms "new light", "Other Sheep", "Jonadab", "Anointed Remnant", "the faithful and discreet slave", and "Un-theocratic".
* your parents believed that "Santa" was just another spelling for "Satan".
* you can easily recite most of the Pagan origins to Christmas and Easter.
* hearing the phrase "Watchtower Bible and Tract Society" makes you want to run away screaming.
* you learned how to sleep with your eyes open so you wouldn't get spanked for "not listening" to the service.
* seeing the words "Kingdom" and "Hall" in the same sentence makes you cringe.
* you were terrified of even touching a boy's hand because it may lead you into lust and premarital sex.
* you can't help but see the irony in those thoughts; especially after learning about the child sex abuse that went on in other "upstanding" Witnesses' families.
* you don't know whether to laugh or cry while reading this list.
* you're pretty sure Jehovah will smite you for reading this list.

That's all I can think of for now. Don't be surprised if I revisit this at a later date.

--Weasel, who still has a problem with organized religion.... Gee, wonder why?