Brat'ja

Wednesday, as I rang up yet another order and stared blankly at the piles of groceries and Christmas presents that were stacked in fron of me, the questions started to swirl about in my head yet again.

Why did she keep me? What makes me so damned special? Why didn't she keep him instead? Why the hell did I get to stay with my actual family and not my brother? Why?!

My throat began to close and my vision blurred. I had to silence my thoughts or I would have burst into tears while standing at my register. Worse still, a song began to run through my head, namely Brat'ja from Full Metal Alchemist. It's completely in Russian and the lyrics can be found here. You're warned: it's not a happy song. But then again, Full Metal Alchemist isn't exactly sweetness and light.

Normally, I can only stand the original version of a song but as of late, the English version has really resonated with me. The lyrics strike a cord and I catch myself singing them softly under my breath.

I'll be honest--when I heard the last verse of the English version, I nearly cried. It was like a slap to the face.

I'm living through survivor's guilt. And it's eating me alive. I keep asking why in the name of Primus I was the chosen one and I don't have any answers. I just keep hearing Edward Elric's voice telling me to get up and walk, that I've got two good legs and should use them.

And he's right. But it's so hard to keep walking sometimes.

So where do we go from here?
And how to forget and forgive?
What's gone is forever lost.
Now all we can do is live.